Grief and Self-Care

This blog was originally published (by the author) on Reconceiving Loss in July 2015.

It’s the time in your life when the hardest thing to do is to be selfish. Yet, that is how you might feel in terms of your emotions. The sadness, tears, heaving sobs that are unrelenting threaten to unhinge you. You yearn to stop, but you can’t. Those around you try to offer you comforting words or platitudes. Sometimes they help, but often they don’t. This is what grief can look like, particularly the soul-crushing grief of losing a pregnancy or baby.

Through this grief, you often feel alone. Friends and family don’t seem to understand that one month later, you haven’t “snapped out of it” and “moved on.” Your partner is also at a loss for words or actions that might be comforting as he embraces you for the hundredth time. Perhaps he sees the loss differently. Or maybe more time has passed and you even have another baby, yet you still feel some numbness that this new baby hasn’t been able to fully eclipse.

This is the time when you just want everything to disappear. Or you throw yourself back into your life, willing the everyday motions to undo the feelings. You want to be cared for, but all of the attempts of asking aren’t helpful. Perhaps there are a few people that get it, but you don’t want to burden them. The temporary salve they provided in just talking and listening has worn off, and reaching out seems too hard.

A compounded loss in grief is the temporary loss of your sense of self and the idea that you have a semblance of control in your life. Taking this back and reclaiming you can be important and healing through your grief journey. But how? Taking tiny steps to care for yourself. Yes, take care of yourself.

In the throes of grief, it can be difficult to even get out of bed in the morning and go through your hygiene routine. Even past this phase, doing anything pleasurable can seem like plodding through molasses. Often, grieving mothers fear that if they start to engage in life again, that somehow this means that they are forgetting the baby that died. There might be continued focus on trying to achieve a new pregnancy (from yourself or from those around you) as if this is the answer to healing. Ultimately, at the end of the day, you are your own best resource. You are your own best advocate. To do either, you need strength and perhaps the permission that it is OK to matter. It is OK to indulge. It’s OK to ask for a break and to take charge of your needs.

What might self-care look like? It can be as minimal as taking time to journal, take a bath, go on a walk, or sing. Self-care doesn’t have to cost money (as the previous examples suggest) but it’s also fine if it does. Examples might be: a manicure, massage, a weekend retreat, signing up for a class or learning a new skill.) The only limit is you. And you are the only one who is fully able to care for yourself in the way that feels best.

by  Julie Bindeman, Psy-D, Co-Director of Integrative Therapy of Greater Washington

http://www.greaterwashingtontherapy.com/

Peace of Mind; Living Free of Fear of Losing a Child

Your family is your life and protecting your children from harm’s way is a growing problem and now it is now possible with technology.  Your child’s safety and whereabouts can now be monitored via your smartphone.  Children can have the ability to alert you when they are under duress, in trouble or find themselves lost.

Children 2-10 years old, toddlers and even newborns traveling and under supervision of others can be monitored 24/7 in five minute intervals and located immediately and automatically via e-mail or text messaging.  You set the schedule – minutes or hours – and receive regular alerts with the exact location of your child.  An SOS button allows older children to summon for help which includes their location as well as automatic tracking alerts to entrusted individuals you choose to receive them.

This child tracking solution is dependent upon 2 technologies – GPS (Global Positioning System) and wireless communications or cell phone (GSM). Anywhere you can receive both a GPS signal and have cell phone reception, the solution will work.

The solution was developed by the father of a young daughter who became lost at an amusement park for several hours.  After finding her and being an IT technologist, decided to develop a solution for preventing this from happening again.   He funded Amber Alert GPS and engineered the Law Enforcement Alerting Portal (‘LEAP”) used by law enforcement in states to issue the actual Amber Alerts.  The LEAP system is the fastest and most efficient alerting technology in the nation, and allows States to share Amber Alerts cross-borders. To date, law enforcement in the States using the LEAP system have a 100% recovery rate of all children for whom an Amber Alert was issued.

Protect your children.

Love Should Never Hurt

Domestic Violence Awareness Month

Joanne sat bruised and exhausted, hugging her large, pregnant belly. In her mid-30s, blonde and blue-eyed, she was a respected teacher in an elementary school, but tonight she felt like a fugitive. Neither her mother nor her sisters knew how to reach her or where to find her. She was ashamed to say anything to them. But, for the first time in months, she at least felt safe. She would sleep tonight in the shelter. In the morning, she would call the school where she taught and tell them she needed a few days off for a family emergency. If she ever returned to her three-bedroom home, she reminded herself, she needed to change the locks on the front door. Joanne was married to a well-educated man, with a good job. He was also a wife abuser.

Joanne is not alone. One out of every 15 pregnant women in the United States is a victim of domestic violence each year.

WHAT IS DOMESTIC VIOLENCE?
Although even one incident is one too many, domestic abuse is defined as a pattern of behavior of threatened or actual violence committed by a current or former intimate partner. Domestic abuse is not only physical violence. Partners can also be emotionally or psychologically abusive by: failing to show affection or caring for a child; interacting only when necessary; staying emotionally uninvolved and detached. Why? The abusive partner usually seeks to gain power and control in the relationship through fear and intimidation. The abuser tries to control his partner’s behavior by isolating her from friends and family, monitoring her movements, belittling or humiliating her in private or in public or restricting her access to financial resources.

The abuser may force her to have sex or to perform sexual acts that make her feel degraded. He may limit her access to medical care or threaten to hurt himself or take away her children if she does not comply with his wishes. Sometimes women are not aware that they are being abused. They may believe that their partner’s behavior is due to a bad day at work, financial pressures, jealousy, depression or use of alcohol or drugs. Often, the abuser will say he’s sorry, bring her gifts, and promise never to hurt her again. Cultural or religious norms may also play a role in one partner’s response to the other’s controlling or punishing behavior.

WHO IS AT RISK?
According to a report released by the Johns Hopkins School of Public Health and the Center for Health and Gender Equity, “Violence against women is the pervasive yet least recognized human rights abuse in the world…The same acts that would be punished if directed at an employer, a neighbor, or an acquaintance often goes unchallenged when men direct them at women especially within the family.”

A U.S. Bureau of Justice study reports that women of any age and from any racial, ethnic, religious or socioeconomic background may experience physical or psychological abuse from an intimate partner, but that women between the ages of 19 and 29 reported more violence by intimate partners than any other group. In the United States, domestic abuse is also a crime. Although partner abuse exists among same-sex relationships, violence against women is most often perpetrated by a male partner they know and love. Many, like Joanne, are afraid or ashamed to talk about or report it.

VIOLENCE DURING PREGNANCY
Domestic violence tends to begin or escalate during pregnancy. In fact, one in six women reports their first incidence of partner abuse during pregnancy. One study concludes that a woman is more likely to be abused by her partner than suffer from pre-eclampsia, gestational diabetes or placenta previa, conditions for which women are routinely checked. The abuser sees his partner’s pregnancy as a threat; he believes she will care more about the baby than about him. Pregnant women in abusive relationships are at higher risk for medical complications that include bleeding problems, miscarriage, vaginal and cervical infections, high blood pressure and premature labor and fetal distress. Abuse in pregnancy also increases the risk for low-weight gain and low birth weight infants. Once the baby is born, domestic abuse may escalate.

WHAT ABOUT THE CHILDREN?
Young children are often silent witnesses to domestic violence, and many are also the targets of their fathers’ physical, emotional or sexual abuse. Each year an estimated 3.3 million children in the United States are exposed to violence by family members against their mothers or female caretakers. Children exposed to violence at home are likely to suffer from chronic depression and anxiety and may express their sadness and anger through acting out, defying people in authority and through other behavioral problems. Children may become too traumatized to learn or develop normally and may be unable to reach their full potentials as adults. Children who witness domestic violence at home are more likely to repeat the cycle as adults. Experts say young girls are more likely to tolerate abusive behavior from their own intimate partners, and young boys are more likely to become abusers themselves.

One in every five women who seeks medical care in emergency rooms is there as a result of injuries inflicted in a domestic violence dispute

U.S. businesses spend an estimated $5 billion dollars a year on medical expenses related to domestic violence and another $100 million per year for lost wages, time away from work, and employee turnover directly related to family violence.

More than 1 million women a year seek medical assistance for potentially lethal injuries caused by battering.

Approximately 2,000 to 4,000 women in the United States are killed each year by abusive partners or ex-partners.

Making a Safety Plan
When you feel ready to leave your home, it will be helpful to have put aside some things that you will need. It may be safer to keep those items at a neighbor’s or a friend’s house:

Extra set of car keys
Cash, checkbook or credit cards
Driver’s license and social security cards (for you and your children), green card, passport or work permit
Clothes for yourself and your children
Birth certificates
Children’s school records
Health insurance cards
Court papers or court orders
Lease agreements or mortgage payment book

Taking the First Step
Making a decision to end a relationship with an abusive partner is often difficult. For some women, it is the desire to protect their children that brings them to the point of asking for help. Taking action is hard because domestic abuse usually takes place over a long period of time and a woman’s self-esteem and confidence are slowly eroded. She becomes isolated from her community, friends and family. A woman may also remain in an abusive relationship because she is afraid of what family members may say or because she lacks financial resources. She may worry about compromising her partner’s professional status in the community. Often, she still has hope that the abuse will stop and that her partner will come to his senses. Each woman knows when she is ready to leave an abusive relationship. When she does, she can take the first step toward ending the abuse by asking her midwife, other healthcare provider, the police or her employer-assistance program for help.

BREAKING THE SILENCE
Help is available. Call the toll-free National Domestic Violence Hotline: (800) 799-SAFE (7233). From all 50 states, the District of Columbia, Puerto Rico and the U.S.Virgin Islands, victims of domestic violence, their families and friends receive crisis intervention, referrals to shelters, medical care, legal assistance and social-service programs. Trained counselors who speak more than 125 languages are available.

Are You in a Dangerous Relationship?
Your partner may be a good provider, a successful and respected member of his profession, even a caring father of your children. You may still love your partner and he may be sorry for hurting you and may promise never to do it again. However, he may also behave in ways that are considered abusive and illegal.

How can you tell?

Have you ever been afraid of, or felt threatened by your partner?
Do you worry that things you do may cause your partner to get angry, emotionally abusive or physically violent?
Has your partner ever attempted to injure you physically by grabbing, punching, kicking, arm twisting,choking or pulling your hair?
Has your partner ever hurt your pets or destroyed your clothing or other things you care about?
Has he threatened to destroy or take away your home or personal property?
Has your partner prevented you from taking medication, seeking medical care, or insisted on being present at all medical appointments?
Does your partner control your access to financial resources? Decide what and how much you can buy? Control the bank accounts? Refuse to pay bills?
Does he hide deeds to your home, wills, financial savings, and passports?
Has your partner threatened to harm himself or other people you care about? Has he ever threatened to harm or take away your children?
Does he prevent you from communicating with other people by withholding phone calls, keeping you from speaking with or visiting co-workers, friends or family? Prevent you from going to work or school?
Do you feel as though he is constantly checking up on you?
Does your partner often put you down, devalue your abilities, and make you feel guilty,or embarrass you in front of others?
Does your partner demand to have sex when you don’t want to or when you are ill? Force you to perform sexual acts that make you uncomfortable or hurt you? Hurt sexual parts of your body? Insist on unprotected sex or use of pornography?

If you have answered yes to one or more of these questions, know that none of this behavior is acceptable; you don’t deserve it. You may want to seek counseling. If you feel you are in danger, help is available to you 24 hours a day when you are ready to seek it. You can call the National Domestic Violence Hotline toll-free, (800) 799-SAVE (7233) or (800) 787-3224 (TDD). You don’t have to give your name, and your wishes will be respected. Trained counselors who speak several languages are available immediately. They can provide crisis assistance and information about shelters and health care centers, as well as free legal assistance and counseling. If you are in immediate danger, you should call 911.

Domestic violence is not biased, it crosses all socioeconomic backgrounds. Stop it now. IT may save you and your family’s life.

Other Resources:
National Coalition Against Domestic Violence: http://www.ncadv.org
The National Domestic Violence Hotline: http://www.ndvh.org

Article by Nicette Jukelevics, Childbirth Educator certified by the International Childbirth Education Association
Presented by Angel J. Miller, MSN, CNM, CEO, WomanPlace, Inc.

Peace of Mind & Living Free of Fear of Losing a Child

 

Your family is your life and protecting your children from harm’s way is a growing problem and now it is now possible with technology.  Your child’s safety and whereabouts can now be monitored via your smartphone.  Children can have the ability to alert you when they are under duress, in trouble or find themselves lost.

Children 2-10 years old, toddlers and even newborns traveling and under supervision of others can be monitored 24/7 in five minute intervals and located immediately and automatically via e-mail or text messaging.  You set the schedule – minutes or hours – and receive regular alerts with the exact location of your child.  An SOS button allows older children to summon for help which includes their location as well as automatic tracking alerts to entrusted individuals you choose to receive them.

This child tracking solution is dependent upon 2 technologies – GPS (Global Positioning System) and wireless communications or cell phone (GSM). Anywhere you can receive both a GPS signal and have cell phone reception, the solution will work.

The solution was developed by the father of a young daughter who became lost at an amusement park for several hours.  After finding her and being an IT technologist, decided to develop a solution for preventing this from happening again.   He funded Amber Alert GPS and engineered the Law Enforcement Alerting Portal (‘LEAP”) used by law enforcement in states to issue the actual Amber Alerts.  The LEAP system is the fastest and most efficient alerting technology in the nation, and allows States to share Amber Alerts cross-borders. To date, law enforcement in the States using the LEAP system have a 100% recovery rate of all children for whom an Amber Alert was issued.

Protect your children.

The Benefits of Red Raspberry Leaf Tea in Pregnancy

Red Raspberry leaf tea is one of the safest and commonly used tonic herbs for women wanting to get pregnant or for women who are already pregnant. Red Raspberry Leaf (Rubus idaeus) tones the uterus, improves contractions and decreases constipation. Most tonics need to be used regularly, for a tonic is to the cells much like exercise is to the muscles; not much help when done irregularly . But you will still benefit even from occasional use of tonics during pregnancy, since they contain nourishing factors. The herb comes in forms of leaves to make teas or tonics as well as pill like capsules you can swallow.
Most of the benefits given to regular use of Raspberry lea tea throughout pregnancy can be traced to the strengthening power of fragrine, an alkaloid which gives tone to the muscles of the pelvic region, including the uterus itself; and to the nourishing power of the vitamins and minerals found in this plant. There is rich concentration of Vitamin C, the presence of Vitamin E and the easily assimilated calcium and iron. Raspberry leaves also contain vitamins A and B complex and many minerals, including phosphorus and potassium.
When to use: There are two basic points of view on the subject. There is agreement among many clinicians that in the 3rd trimester frequent (2- 3 cups per day of tea or 1 – 2 cups per day of infusion) is beneficial to the uterine and pelvic muscles.
The more radical point of view is that drinking one cup of tea per day in the 1st trimester and 2 cups in the 2nd trimester and switching to the infusion in the 3rd trimester ensures a strong uterus, is good for you nutritionally and prevents miscarriage. Some say it is advised to not use it in the first trimester, particularly if you have a history of miscarriage. If a mother is prone to miscarriages she may feel safer avoiding raspberry until the third trimester. This is an herb with centuries of safe use behind it, there is usually little cause for concern, but check with your healthcare provider before using.
According to Susun Weed, author of “Wise Woman, Herbal for the Childbearing Year,” the benefits listed below for drinking a Raspberry leaf brew before and throughout pregnancy are as follows:
• Increasing fertility in both men and women. Red Raspberry leaf is an excellent fertility herb when combined with Red Clover.
• Preventing miscarriage and hemorrhage. Raspberry leaf tones the uterus and helps prevent miscarriage and postpartum hemorrhage from a relaxed or atonic uterus.
o Use raspberry leaf infusion to help facilitate placenta delivery. Chips of frozen raspberry leaf infusion sucked throughout labor help keep the uterus working strongly and smoothly.

• Easing of morning sickness. Many women attest to raspberry leaves’ gentle relief of nausea and stomach distress throughout pregnancy. Drink a cup or two of raspberry leaf tea or infusion each day. Sipping the infusion before getting up or sucking on ice cubes made from the infusion increases the strength of this remedy.

• Reducing pain during labor and after birth. By toning the muscles used during labor and birth, Raspberry leaf eliminates many of the reasons for a painful birth and prolonged recovery. It does not counter the pain of dilation of the cervix.

Red Raspberry Leaves do not start or encourage labor. It can help the contractions to be productive once true labor has begun because it strengthens the uterine and pelvic muscles but it is not an oxytonic herb (one that would induce labor). That being said, it’s important to talk with your midwife, obstetrician or herbalist before beginning drinking red raspberry leaf tea or taking a supplement. Some will recommend you wait until you are 36 weeks along before incorporating the tea into your health regime while others may encourage you to begin right away. Each situation and pregnancy is different so it’s best to get other’s opinions before beginning red raspberry leaf tea.

Tea recipe: To make a tea, pour 1 cup boiling water over 2 teaspoons of herb and steep for ten minutes. Strain. During the first two trimesters, drink 1 cup per day. During the final trimester, drink 2-3 cups per day.

Excerpts from Weed, Susun. “Wise Woman Herbal Childbearing Year.”
http://www.motherandchildhealth.com/Prenatal/raspberry.html